Do not give what you cannot spare
I'm officially tabling at the Newark Zine Fest on December 6th, 2025 at the Newark Art Museum in New Jersey. I was so lucky that I got a free table. I have some friends who expressed that they wanted to vend and I had a thought of letting them be featured on my table. But I realized, I just didn't have the room. It's a 3-foot table and I'm only provided with one chair. I'm pretty sure I had the same set up at Princeton Zine Fest and I struggled with fitting everything I brought on it in a conducive way.
Now I'm grateful for what I've been given and would not want to ask for more. But I can't give what I can't afford to spare. Especially because I'm adding a new component that will allow visitors to contribute to an archive of Tears of Joy and a future printed zine. To be clear, none of my friends are asking me to make room for them. But I do have to kill off that urge to people please and help where I cannot. I have a huge tendency to give more than I should. Spending an extravagant amount of time with editing other people's works when I should've focused on my own. Letting people have items that I still want to keep. I'm just starting to assert myself and truly respect my own time, desires, and needs.
Like today, I spent the whole day by myself in Brooklyn, using the two free train tickets a kind stranger gifted me last month. They were gonna expire tomorrow so I had to use them. But the conductors never collected them lol, so I'm gonna try to use them on the next trip. I didn't want to spend time with anyone and I felt a little guilty because I knew I had friends who wanted to see me. But I've been looking forward to being alone and not have to be considerate of other folks. For example, my boyfriend hates spending hours at a bookshop. It somehow feels selfish to be alone in the city, but it's not! I love my solitude. I love not having to worry about other people's feelings. I love being led by own whims and not by anybody else's wants.
I also find myself not responding right away. I only reply when I feel up for it. When I'm done with whatever it is I'm working on or reading. I don't want to be accessible all the time. I don't want to feel like I have to respond just because someone messaged me. They can wait. They should wait. I don't want to reply only to get resentful. That's not healthy for the relationship. It's better to respond when you're in a good place, not when you'd rather throw your cell against the wall lol.
With my growing and healthier confidence, I'm starting to find open calls I really want to do. More than ever before. The algorithm and targeted ads are extremely good right now. And I keep on finding more I long to go for. I actually had to let some deadlines lapse which made me sad, but I have to focus on the open calls that are the most meaningful. That make my younger self (little one) be in awe that we get to do it together! Plus those ideas are a lot to execute lol. If there's something I've learned, there's always another open call that would go for it. And I know it's solid because I want to work on it regardless.
With time I won't feel like this is selfish. But as the eldest Filipina-American daughter raised Catholic by immigrants, it's killing me lmao ugh. I'm not as patient as I used to be because I respect my time more. I now know I deserve better from myself and others. I am speaking up more and it's paying off. Better boundaries are being enforced and I'm feeling less and less guilty about it. And it feels fantastic!
I'm angrier than ever but ALSO happier than ever. My temper is shorter and it's a damn good thing. Less disrespect is happening. Less resentment too. I still need to work on the long established resentment, but the shorter term ones aren't popping up as much because I'm actually speaking up.
Oh my lord, I miss blogging on here. I keep on realizing shit lol. It's so good to be back and hopefully I'll be more frequent. I spent a shitload renewing my domain and I need to respect that money spent and use this more. I'm glad I love myself more deeply and truly. I'm glad therapy is working like dynamite hehe. Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the right path, but I know I am with the way I'm upholding myself now. I can protect myself better. I can lead the life I want and deserve.
I just need to try.
eileen