Standing My Ground
I used to overshare on the Internet which felt great, but never really resolved things because I didn’t bring it up with the ass. I just let it go, temporarily, and bubble over again later on.
I’ve changed since then and don’t spill out my problems as often on social media. I’ve been in therapy for over a year and confide to my friends, my boyfriend, and family more now. I’m still working on being upfront with folks when I’m mad at them, but my default is people pleasing and not to rock the boat. Which isn’t worth it at all. I shouldn’t suffer in silence and if they care, they’d wanna hear.
I’m working on my courage and I’ve been stewing for like a week, hoping it would go away, but I’m gonna have to say something. I keep on making excuses like “oh I should wait til I’m free”, “they’re probably busy”. You can rationalize yourself out of doing anything, especially if you’re uncomfortable going forward. And sometimes being in discomfort is what you need to be in, in order to improve things.
I deserve to put myself first and I don’t want to give into other people’s demands, especially if I feel like they take advantage of my kindness. I don’t want to do things that feel like pulling teeth. I’m gonna stand my ground and keep saying no, especially if I’m not being compensated fairly, or even at all, and if they can’t respect it then fuck ‘em.
If they think I’m being mean because I’m being assertive then are they worth listening to? Because I stand up for myself now? I don’t think so, it’s definitely a question of whether they should stay in my life if they can’t respect my boundaries. I don’t have the patience either anymore. I want to spend my time on what I actually want to do. To use it for anything else is foolish.
I feel better now. It’s like having livejournal again haha. I’m breathing easier now and not as tense. I’m glad to have this outlet. I still haven’t shared this website yet and announced its upheaval on social media. I think I’ll keep it private for a few days longer. I still want to build this out more and write a few more blogs and pages.
I just don’t want to feel this anger anymore. But I do know that it means I know I’ve been wronged and disrespected and that is unacceptable. It means I deserve better and as someone who never fully thought like that, it’s great I do now.