Why does setting boundaries feel so awful?
I am learning that not every situation nor individual deserves patience. Not the kind I tend to practice. Calm, enduring, unphased--no matter how long it takes to resolve. This is not something that can always be afforded nor should be. Time spent on others' circumstances should have been focused on my own and what's important to me. I have spent a lot of time helping others and it's not always reciprocated. They don't even offer which feels so garish.
Truthfully I removed the role of editor from my bios with publications and classes for a long time now. Honestly I have only had one person tell me they can edit my work too.
ONE.
And I've edited for about SIXTEEN years now. Sometimes people only reach out to ask me to edit for them. Not bothering to build a relationship with me and don't even offer to pay me. And if you know me and my work, you know how deeply meticulous I get, line by line. I look up the spelling of every term, making sure it's compound or hyphenated. I even let them know when they double spaced when they should've single spaced. It's a lot to do with nothing in return.
Working with my therapist, she has told me repeatedly for years that I should be paid for my work and effort. That I shouldn't do it for free, even for friends. At least get them to buy me dinner, something. It's finally getting through to me. Sure it helps me become a better writer, but I no longer want to help build other people's dreams but my own.
I'm seeing that I have a shorter fuse now which is an absolute godsend. I'm more assertive. I speak up more. I call folks out. I don't reply back. I even smile less. I actually roll my eyes now. I never used to do that. The people pleaser in me wants to delete this whole thing right now, but glob I want to be more honest and forthright.
It hurts to keep it all in. I feel like this is an underlying reason I'm so anxious, on edge all the time. Trying to please others without fully understanding the costs to my self-esteem and aspirations.
I can think of so many situations where my kindness and decorum led to me being taking advantage of and used. To be in situations I shouldn't be in at all, nor want anyone to be. Where I would never think of putting folks through, especially friends.
I've been saying the word "egregious" to my therapist so often I hate it.
Only one person has ever offered to edit my work. I'm trying so hard to go through my mental rolodex and ensure I'm not missing anyone. But it's really just them and they have done so repeatedly from the very start of knowing each other when I was in my mid twenties.
...Why is no one else doing that? It hurts to see how one-sided friendships can be, and this is just a single facet. Now expanding it to all the other extra effort and favors I've done, with not bothering to reciprocate.
Let's not even get into emotional labor. JFC.
I don't want to go through these motions anymore. I don't want disingenuous folks reaching out to me. If this offends you, ask yourself why. If you're doing right by me, it shouldn't.
I really hope you're not doing this to others. If you recognize yourself in my words, please do better. Please offer that person a meal, coffee, payment, your own expertise, future favor. Something that they know they're appreciated and cared for. I had no idea how resentful I've become and I want to lessen it as much as I can. I'm gonna start by posting this. I will feel better because at least this truth will be out there and I don't have to continue to pretend I'm okay with any of this.
I miss ranting haha. But seriously, you can ask me to edit things, just be prepared to tell me what you will do in return. It will feel so great to say no to you if you don't.
I don't feel like caring anymore. I don't want to be so concerned with what folks think of me. I've been conditioned to expect the worst in all aspects of my life to grave detriment. This includes telling people off. But even if they do reject me, at least I no longer reject myself. I feel like this is partly root to my self-loathing. To believe that other folks' feelings are paramount to my own.
As I enter my late 30s, I do not want to carry such an useless burden. An incredible lie. I'm recognizing so much dead weight that I thought I was always meant to hold for others. And for what?
If nothing else, I am physically breathing easier. Teary-eyed but relieved. Why is this so hard to write? I have had far easier times writing into detail my psychotic breaks and delusions and mental breakdowns than this.
I hesitate because I don't want to hurt anyone, but haven't I always hurt myself by putting up with this? Why do I accept that? Why is that fine to me? I merit my own kindness and light which folks have always praised me for. Yet it's always been the one thing I've always denied for myself.
This year I will be good to myself and my dreams. This year I'll be more discerning to what I'll say yes to. This year I'll call out disrespect at a far quicker pace. This year I will love myself more completely no matter how much my tendencies scream.
It is worth every effort to believe I am worth it.
If anything, at least I wrote today lol. People have always loved my honesty, but I haven't been honest enough.